The Unexpected
Kevin and Natalie met in Memphis and married in 2017. They spent several years in Colorado where their son, Hudson, was born. In February 2020, they moved to Round Rock to be close to Natalie’s parents because her father’s health was deteriorating. They arrived in Texas one month before COVID caused global shutdowns. The following year, while the world struggled to right itself again, theirs crumbled further.
In October 2021, Natalie’s aunt passed away unexpectedly.
A few weeks later, their second son, Elliot, was born with a broken clavicle and spent time in the NICU.
In January 2022, Kevin’s mom passed away from COVID after a month-long battle on a ventilator.
In the spring, Natalie’s dad’s health suddenly and quickly declined in the span of a few days, and he died at the end of May.
Later that summer, Natalie’s grandmother passed away.
Four deaths, four funerals, a traumatic birth, and countless hours in hospital rooms – all within a 10 month time period..
In October 2021, Natalie’s aunt passed away unexpectedly.
A few weeks later, their second son, Elliot, was born with a broken clavicle and spent time in the NICU.
In January 2022, Kevin’s mom passed away from COVID after a month-long battle on a ventilator.
In the spring, Natalie’s dad’s health suddenly and quickly declined in the span of a few days, and he died at the end of May.
Later that summer, Natalie’s grandmother passed away.
Four deaths, four funerals, a traumatic birth, and countless hours in hospital rooms – all within a 10 month time period..
When Natalie reflects on that time, she describes it as “foggy.” She constantly asked “What is going on in our lives?” Every few months she faced a new situation and thought, “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through,” only to have it trumped by a different pain before she recovered from the last blow.
Kevin admits he experienced a crisis of faith as these events unfolded. He questioned his theology, despite his background in seminary and ministry. While he understood hope conceptually, he struggled to resonate with it experientially. He wondered “Is God really good? This doesn’t seem good at all…Is this God loving me? Because the world is not better without these people in it. My life is not better.” While Kevin never questioned the existence of God, his heart was hard to the truth of His goodness.
Natalie felt the same way. She often heard other Christians say “I know God is still good” in the middle of terrible situations, but she found her spirit wrestling. “I know He’s good, and He says He’s good, but this is not good…I don’t know how you define this to be good, but could we just stop it?” She spent the better part of the year praying that very thing: “God, please just stop doing that…Can you stop letting people die or taking people away?”
Kevin admits he experienced a crisis of faith as these events unfolded. He questioned his theology, despite his background in seminary and ministry. While he understood hope conceptually, he struggled to resonate with it experientially. He wondered “Is God really good? This doesn’t seem good at all…Is this God loving me? Because the world is not better without these people in it. My life is not better.” While Kevin never questioned the existence of God, his heart was hard to the truth of His goodness.
Natalie felt the same way. She often heard other Christians say “I know God is still good” in the middle of terrible situations, but she found her spirit wrestling. “I know He’s good, and He says He’s good, but this is not good…I don’t know how you define this to be good, but could we just stop it?” She spent the better part of the year praying that very thing: “God, please just stop doing that…Can you stop letting people die or taking people away?”
God was Working
“We came to worship and I never wanted to sing,” Kevin says. “I was there because I knew I was supposed to be there, but I didn’t want to be there. But there was something beautiful that God would do through hearing the people around us sing. God was doing something through the liturgy; He was doing something through us going to our gospel community and just sitting through discussion.”
God was doing something - He was keeping them. He kept them through each one year anniversary of loss; and through a constant onslaught of anxiety, depression, and doubt, as they battled an ever present fear that the God they loved was not acting kindly toward them. He kept them through mountains and valleys, as they were built up by Scripture and the body of Christ in one moment, only to be knocked back into a pit the next.
God kept them as they moved slowly, over time, from doubting God’s goodness into a renewed theology of secure hope in the gospel of Christ. “God used ordinary means of grace to bring about renewal,” they say of the people and patterns that anchored them when the storms of despair closed in. They faithfully attended the Sunday Gathering. They participated in a gospel community. They attended Redeemer Equip classes. They persevered in the faith, and little by little, sparks were fanned back into a flame of “love, desire, and energy for God and for people.”
In the fall of 2022, Natalie routinely met with several women from Redeemer who were walking through grief. They read a book about the principle of lament, which encourages a closeness to God throughout the process of grief. This Biblical way of grieving made sense to Natalie intellectually, but she still experienced numbness toward the Lord - she knew He was good, yet felt only the weight of everything that was bad. But as she continued in community with trusted sisters, she found the boldness to bring her deepest feelings honestly to the Lord.
A year later, when she studied Ephesians in the fall Bible Study class, a significant shift occurred for her. Ephesians reminds the reader that Jesus alone is the source of everything we have been given, and that every promise of true life can only be found in Him. It teaches us to live in light of what Christ has done for us. Natalie continually came back to Ephesians 2:13-14: “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. For he himself is our peace.” This simple refrain, a Biblical truth that she had known her whole life, took root in her heart in a new way; and it changed not only her perspective about her suffering, but also the very way she interacted with the Lord.
God was doing something - He was keeping them. He kept them through each one year anniversary of loss; and through a constant onslaught of anxiety, depression, and doubt, as they battled an ever present fear that the God they loved was not acting kindly toward them. He kept them through mountains and valleys, as they were built up by Scripture and the body of Christ in one moment, only to be knocked back into a pit the next.
God kept them as they moved slowly, over time, from doubting God’s goodness into a renewed theology of secure hope in the gospel of Christ. “God used ordinary means of grace to bring about renewal,” they say of the people and patterns that anchored them when the storms of despair closed in. They faithfully attended the Sunday Gathering. They participated in a gospel community. They attended Redeemer Equip classes. They persevered in the faith, and little by little, sparks were fanned back into a flame of “love, desire, and energy for God and for people.”
In the fall of 2022, Natalie routinely met with several women from Redeemer who were walking through grief. They read a book about the principle of lament, which encourages a closeness to God throughout the process of grief. This Biblical way of grieving made sense to Natalie intellectually, but she still experienced numbness toward the Lord - she knew He was good, yet felt only the weight of everything that was bad. But as she continued in community with trusted sisters, she found the boldness to bring her deepest feelings honestly to the Lord.
A year later, when she studied Ephesians in the fall Bible Study class, a significant shift occurred for her. Ephesians reminds the reader that Jesus alone is the source of everything we have been given, and that every promise of true life can only be found in Him. It teaches us to live in light of what Christ has done for us. Natalie continually came back to Ephesians 2:13-14: “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. For he himself is our peace.” This simple refrain, a Biblical truth that she had known her whole life, took root in her heart in a new way; and it changed not only her perspective about her suffering, but also the very way she interacted with the Lord.
"God used ordinary means of grace to bring about renewal." -Kevin
She realized she had viewed peace as circumstantial rather than personal – an inheritance given by Christ. “I suddenly saw it differently. We pray all the time for peace, ‘God give me peace,’ but it says HE is our peace. We are literally saying, ‘God, give me YOU.’ But that’s not how I had been seeing it.” Whereas Natalie and Kevin had consistently prayed for God to change their circumstances so they could have peace, they began to ask him to change their hearts. “Help us go to you, God. Be our everything.” They prayed this together over their grief and anger. When they were tempted to ask God to simply make the pain stop, they asked instead for more of His presence. They asked Him to help them endure.
Endurance in the midst of suffering was a theme in one of Pastor Rick’s sermons that Natalie remembers well. He talked about how the presence of grief does not remove our hope, and it opened her eyes to the short-sightedness of her own hope. “Every day was a bad day. Every day these people were still gone. I was looking at it saying, ‘Where’s my hope today?’ I know I’ll go to Heaven. I know I’ll have eternal life. But what about today?’ I was looking at my circumstances and, there was no hope in my circumstances. But that’s not where I’m supposed to look for my hope.” This realization transformed Natalie. While grief was still a constant companion, she found herself increasingly comforted in the presence of Jesus.
Kevin recalls the faithfulness of God to turn their hearts toward truth: “There was a point when the gospel was in my head, but it didn’t feel like good news…From a worldly perspective, it made sense to look at our situation and say, ‘This is really hard. It’s okay to feel that God is not good.’ But that leads to a self-centered, self-focused place where you see only what God is not doing for you and what you do not have; and the truth is that the gospel is good news because we do have hope. It is not good news because there is no suffering; it is good news because of the promise that one day suffering will be no more. I don’t know why God saw fit for us to go through that, but I know it’s not because He doesn’t love us.”
Endurance in the midst of suffering was a theme in one of Pastor Rick’s sermons that Natalie remembers well. He talked about how the presence of grief does not remove our hope, and it opened her eyes to the short-sightedness of her own hope. “Every day was a bad day. Every day these people were still gone. I was looking at it saying, ‘Where’s my hope today?’ I know I’ll go to Heaven. I know I’ll have eternal life. But what about today?’ I was looking at my circumstances and, there was no hope in my circumstances. But that’s not where I’m supposed to look for my hope.” This realization transformed Natalie. While grief was still a constant companion, she found herself increasingly comforted in the presence of Jesus.
Kevin recalls the faithfulness of God to turn their hearts toward truth: “There was a point when the gospel was in my head, but it didn’t feel like good news…From a worldly perspective, it made sense to look at our situation and say, ‘This is really hard. It’s okay to feel that God is not good.’ But that leads to a self-centered, self-focused place where you see only what God is not doing for you and what you do not have; and the truth is that the gospel is good news because we do have hope. It is not good news because there is no suffering; it is good news because of the promise that one day suffering will be no more. I don’t know why God saw fit for us to go through that, but I know it’s not because He doesn’t love us.”
God is Faithful
After a year in the black waters of anguish and another year fighting the waves to shore, Kevin and Natalie can look back now and see the multitude of graces God used to light their way in. Natalie remarks “Sometimes I still don’t know how to tell our story because there was no big turning point.” Instead, there was a daily rhythm of living the Christian life, through spiritual disciplines and commitment to community. Hundreds of seemingly mundane instances - sermons, prayers, worship songs, community meal nights, talking about the Bible with brothers and sisters who loved them - came together over time to cause their hearts of stone to beat once more. “God was faithful to us, even when we were faithless,” Kevin says. “We didn’t have much to give. I’m still a Christian because God held on to me when I had nothing to hold onto.”
So it is with each of us. Whatever your circumstance, whatever your uncertainty, whatever your agony - wait on the Lord. He will keep you. Believer, He Himself is your peace.
So it is with each of us. Whatever your circumstance, whatever your uncertainty, whatever your agony - wait on the Lord. He will keep you. Believer, He Himself is your peace.
Written by Lacy Jarvis, Pictures by Rebecca Lysaght.
